Guide For Defence Against The Dark Arts Teachers
by yamiyugi23
Summary: While cleaning out his office for his first day as the new DADA teacher Harry Potter comes arcoss a book that claims it can help him get through his year as the DADA teacher only to find some shocking things. Crack fic! COMPLETED!


**Disclaimers: I do not own Harry Potter or have any rights to it or do I make any money from writing these fics. Through the book in this fic I do own as I've made it up!**

**The Defence against the Dark Arts new teacher guide**

**Big thanks to ****BladeMaxwell-GoddessofDeath for beta'ing!**

"What's this?" 28 year old Harry Potter said as he found a book underneath all the paper work that the previous Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher had left.

Harry read the title, "The Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher's guide."

Wondering what could be in it after checking for any dangerous spells Harry sat down and began to read:

If you are reading this book then congratulations are in order, you are the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Because of the previous teachers' experiences this guide has been created to guide you through your first and only year as the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher. Yes only first year as we all know the job is cursed.

If you have a 'Harry James Potter' in one of your classes then run for the hills as he seems to be killing off the teachers of this post faster than before.

Now then to make it through the year there are only a couple of simple things you need to remember.

Don't fear the students: The students that you will be teaching are like wild animals, they can smell the fear on you, don't show any fear or feel the wrath of the students' pranks.

Homework: Beware, give out to much and the students will turn the paper into airplanes and throw them at you, give too little and they'll walk all over you.

Voldemort: Do NOT become a Death Eater or follower of the Dark Lord, it is a sure fire way to die at the end of the year or at least find yourself badly injured.

Deep dark secrets: Be careful with these, don't say that you have done something when you haven't, if you have any then let them out so they won't kick you in the butt or hide them away so they can never be found or used against you.

The Curse: Yes, the job is cursed, just ask the portrait of the first ever Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. This teacher placed the spell on the job after not being allowed to have sex with the students.

The Ministry Rules: You must follow the ministry rules or else you'll find yourself in a jam but don't follow them to closely or else you'll find yourself hated.

Beware of flying spells and objects: While getting students to practice spells is great fun for them and good for their learning there is one important thing to remember, don't be afraid to duck when needed and beware of flying spells and objects.

Don't be afraid to run: If the need comes and you find yourself with no other option then run to your office, it has several protection spells on it that cannot be broken. Don't be afraid to run as it will probably allow you to live and teach another day.

Don't follow students into the unknown: Do not follow students that say they are guiding you somewhere nice, just ask Professor Lockheart on this one.

The above are just a few things that all of the previous Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers learnt throughout their year teaching the unit. Below are a few messages to you from teachers that have taught _The _Harry James Potter, yes the destroyer of Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers!

Professor Quirrel: -sounds of wind blowing dust around is heard-

Professor Lockheart: I like pretty colours although down there were no pretty colours. What a strange place for a student to live. Oh lookie! Cookie butterflies!

Professor Lupin: I did not try to eat my students; I just forgot to have my potion that night because of everything going on with Sirius and Peter. Harry Potter is one of the best students and I don't know why every Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is afraid of him for.

Professor Moody: CONSTANT VIGULANCE!

Professor Umbridge: NO! Please no more centaurs! Please! All of those hooves –teacher shudders-

That is what the teachers that have taught _The _Harry James Potter, yes the destroyer of Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers have to say though the last two were not counted as that was during the times of the darkest war.

We now leave you to read through the rest of the guide with only two messages left for you before you continue your year at your own risk:

Albus Dumbledore: Love is a powerful thing, love your student and everything will work out in the end.

Lord Voldemort: Join my side, together will shall make the curse disappear and I will not be losing anymore followers to the Defence Against the Dark Arts teaching job.

We can't wait to see you in either Azkaban, the loony farm or on the unemployment line this time next year!

The teachers of past Defence Against the Dark Arts.

"Glad to know that I'm famous for something that I earned," Harry said with a grin that soon turned evil, "I wonder what they would say that I, _The _Harry James Potter, yes the destroyer of Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers is now a Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers too?"

In the depths of Azkaban, the loony farm and on the unemployment line the cries of pure terror was heard as the past Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers screamed in terror, their worst nightmare had come true.

**The End.**

**Just a little one shot crack fic that got to me as I was writing my other fics. I know I promised to go all out made on wooing stubborn mates but some plunnies have attacked me! Had to get rid of them somehow so here you are!**


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